The Concrete Is Fire

I feel constantly de-energized by everyday semi-momentous occasions which knock me off my feet. How can one live as if though nothing affects them? Pretending only goes so far. I feel as though I'm constantly confused, and sporadically in control. There are moments of understanding which fail to overcome any moment of the slightest confusion. It feels as though I am in a room of mirrors. I see the light but I cannot get out to greet the source and embrace that fleeting understanding.

Love is continually the most complex, yet simple thing that breeds the overwhelming confusion that often consumes the soul's sense of peace, allowing chaos to flourish in many parts of one's life. Love is a paradox. As a puzzle, it is its own solution. A recursive sacrament.

I'm going to suspend this post until I am more wake.

Chuckman

Masters Of War

I haven't posted since August. Right.

Since then some things have happened. First off, yet not really correlating chronologically, I got a record player. Paradise Theatre 1 USD. I have like 20 some records now, and I am really getting into listening to them.

Life is such a roller coaster of confusion and excitement. A parabolic joy ride of mass proportions. At moments you are filled with sickness, euphoria, dread or a combination of the three. Lately, I don't know what state I've been in. I achieved some sort of milestone recently by dating someone longer than a month... Surprising. I usually rediscover the flaw in myself, my self-antipathy.

Why do I hate myself, and so privately at that? I guess maybe it's obvious to other people, or maybe not. I've developed some more complexity in my "intrasphere" of emotions. Even in my actions toward other, I feel like I have changed. I suppose we're just all art, only truly understood by the artist. It's true on several levels. I can interpret you, but it's only my interpretation, and I think that's my problem sometimes, I don't fall in love with the art, but rather I fall in love with my interpretation of it.

This time I think I've fallen for the art. I love her so.

That's the mystery of human suffering. You talk and talk about something that makes you suffer, unrequited love and the like. When you finally feel something good, you don't talk about it, you just have a smile that speaks voluminous statements of contentment and radiating happiness.

I think this is good for now, until I feel more outgoing.

Chuckman.

Obedience

So last week, one of my best friends, and the greatest influences in my life resigned from his position at my church. Jacob has been more than a pastor to me the last five years. A best friend, and a father-figure.

You can't really be angry at someone for following God's calling, but it is surely upsetting and unexpected. In my mind, it seems so small. Someone is just moving a thousand miles away. I didn't get that upset when my brother left. In my heart, this event is unsettlingly traumatic.

There's more on his blog about why he's leaving, and his future plans.

It seems all I've ever had is great friends who leave some way or another. Like everyone important to me leaves, but how can I blame them?

So right now, I have choices to make.

Do I want to go find another church?

or

Do I want to just give up on church?

or

Do I want to stay and make the best?


I really don't know.

Updates to come, surely.

The Cycle Continues

Once again I've deleted all the posts on my blog just to start again. Hopefully, I can keep this one up and not feel the need to delete it.

If you don't know me, and you're stumbling across this blog, maybe you'll attain some sort of understanding of me through these blog posts.

If you do know me, maybe you'll attain some sort of understanding of me through these blog posts.

There are quite a few things that have endlessly increasing and decreasing meaning to me. Music is one of those things that are very important to me. Friends are another. Love the third, or maybe just the pursuit of it.

Anyway, that's enough for now.

More posts soon to come.